(All pics. snapped on 3/17/12 - using an iPhone and Instagram filters)
I've spent a fair amount of time, over these last few days - sifting through my ginormous collection of Instagram pics., trying to decide upon which ones to post, in my effort to revive Little Pretties. For the coupla months leading up to this point though, I didn't so much as peek at them at all.
It's only been in poring over my beloved candid snaps, that I've begun to resuscitate my lost love of Instagramming...and in so doing - I've come to realize how severely shut-down as an artist, a parent and a functioning human - I've let myself become...thanks to a seemingly endless string of devastating blows to my ego, my confidence, and my emotions.
I've let outside influences crush my spirit...and as a result I've become weak...and fearful...and nonproductive.
In foolishly believing that my happiness should be determined by my interactions with (a) certain people (person) - I instead fell victim to the reverse effect...and throughout the whole brutal ordeal, I've inadvertently allowed the things that really do make me happy - fall completely by the wayside.
I can't even figure out where the person that I used to be, went...
What happened to the gal who searched daily, for new places and interesting subjects to shoot? Where's the middle-aged woman who brazenly trespassed on private property, and willfully tempted fate by creeping around in crumbling buildings? All for the sake of sating her voracious appetite for iPhone photography.
It's just the queerest feeling to be intimidated by the thought of partaking in the pastime that used to come so effortlessly, and naturally to me.
I've lost my nerve, and my edge...and I wanna get 'em back...
...cuz when (if?) I do? I might finally move beyond all of this soul-sucking grieving...
...and start enjoying life, once again…
yesindeedy my little prettie.....you ARE coming and growing outta your funk....everyone does it- we think we can be happy only if with a "special" someone...only to find that they are just as messed up as us but perhaps about different things...as always you are a muse to me.....and since i do believe that everything is alive...(atoms and molecules et al)- i feel certain that these places and things feel your love as you admire and document them...and in turn...they will help fill the hole in your heart....kjean .
ReplyDelete@laughingpaintbrush - SO beautifully put, kjean...and I really do believe that you're exactly right. I've been doing much better, over these last few days...largely because I've finally come to the conclusion that it's utterly pointless for me to bother wasting any more energy pouring my love on men, when time and time again they make it VERY clear - that I'm unworthy of being loved back. I'm a much healthier person when I dote on my kids, and dive into my art...because the love that I put into being a mom and an artist - invariably earns far greater returns...
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